Fighting for Us Page 16

  Leaning back in my chair, I drop my black-rimmed glasses onto the desk in front of me, scrubbing a hand down my face, only more aware of how badly I need to shave. The sound of footsteps has me turning in my chair, finding Caden and Sydney standing in the doorway. She has coffee and Cade is holding a brown sack filled with food from the café next door.

  “We thought you might be hungry,” she says softly, offering me a tall white cup.

  “Thank you.” Taking a sip, I let out a loud sigh, offering them each a chair. I had no appointment today, but I came in to schedule a few, wanting the time to think.

  “How you holding up, man?” Cade asks, holding out a sandwich to me. Gratefully, I take it and rip it open, stuffing it into my mouth.

  “I don’t know,” I grumble, inhaling my food.

  “Listen, we were thinking. What if we watched Lily tonight so you and Emmy could have a night alone?”

  “Probably not a good idea. She gets up twice a night to check on Lily.”

  “But it’s worth a try, right?”

  “Yeah, maybe. I’ll talk to Em in a little bit and see how she feels.”

  “Okay.” Syd and Cade dig into their own food and we’re all silent, the elephant in the room growing by the second.

  “Just spit it out you guys,” I say, tossing my garbage into the trash can.

  “Say what?” Cade asks, raising an eyebrow at me.

  “Whatever you came for. I know you both want to ask, so here’s the answer. No, Emmy isn’t doing okay. I have no idea what to do and I’m three seconds from snapping. I’m… I’m losing her, you guys.”

  “Bro, we didn’t know. We didn’t come here for that, honest. We just thought you could use some company, something to take your mind off everything. Sorry, we really weren’t trying to pry. Do you want us to leave you alone?”

  Caden moves, about to get up, but I stop him with a shake of my head.

  “Fuck, Cade, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be a dick. I’m so grateful for everything you guys and Mom and Dad have done. I’m just frustrated.”

  Sydney leans forward and places her hand on my knee, squeezing for a second.

  “Levi, if things are that bad, I think you know what you need to do.”

  I rest my elbows on my legs and hang my head.

  “Levi, she needs help.”

  “I know that,” I groan, lacing my fingers behind my head.

  “Do you want me to help you find a therapist, one you can take her to tonight? While we watch Lily?” Sydney has her eyes trained on me, waiting for my response.

  “I don’t know,” I begin, but the look in her eyes is telling me everything. I need to step in and do something. An intervention of sorts. I’m just scared Emmy will shut down.

  “What’s wrong, Levi? Don’t you want Emmy better?”

  “Of course I do,” I spit out, anger laced in my words. “I just want to know why I wasn’t enough to help her. Why can’t I do anything for her? Why won’t she let me help her?”

  Sydney scoots her chair forward and wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me to her in a second, running a hand up and down my back.

  “Emmy went through something unimaginable, Levi. She’s scared to tell you things, and she probably feels ashamed, even though she has no reason to. Levi, she was brutalized for three days. She’s traumatized, and she needs to talk. No matter how much you help her, she’s never going to begin to heal until she confronts it.”

  Pulling away, she looks at me with determination, and I press a kiss to her forehead.

  “How’d you get so smart, Syd? College finally starting to pay off for you?”

  She shakes her head. “Nah, I have two big brothers who I’ve been learning from my whole life.”

  Cade and I share a smile and then we move on, finding anything to talk about that doesn’t involve what happened. For the first time in weeks, I feel hopeful again.

  Hours later, I walk through the front door of our house to the smell of something delicious, my stomach growling loudly. Kicking my boots off, I set the alarm and head to the kitchen. Emmy and Lily are standing at the island, country music playing from the wireless speaker as they sing along, cooking what looks to be a lasagna. My heart is completely full, watching them until they notice me. Emmy waves and Lily blows me a kiss.

  Turning the music down, Emmy sways over to me, standing on tiptoes to kiss me.

  “I’m so glad you’re home,” she says, squeezing my biceps in her small hands.

  “What is all this, baby?” I ask. I keep my voice steady, when really I feel like I’ve walked into an episode of The Twilight Zone.

  “I’m making dinner tonight. Is that okay?”

  She smiles up at me, hope in her eyes. I haven’t seen her this happy and alive since before that day.

  Dropping a kiss to her forehead, I cup her face.

  “Of course it’s okay, Em. I’m just surprised is all,” I say.

  “Lily, we’ll be right back, okay?”

  Lily nods and Em grabs me by the hand, pulling me into the living room. As soon as we’re alone, she reaches up to grab me by the back of the neck, smashing her lips onto mine. It’s been so long since I’ve kissed her, really kissed her, that I can’t help groaning into her mouth, my dick stirring in my pants. But the last thing I want to do is make any physical moves toward her, so I force myself to calm down.

  “I did something today, Levi.”

  Sitting on the couch, I pat my lap and she comes over, sitting across my leg, arm around my shoulders.

  “What’s that, babe?” Looking at her beautiful face, I’m so glad that most of her bruises are gone. Except for one on the side of her face, she’s healing well and I’m thankful.

  “I had a Skype call with the resident psychiatrist at work.”

  I’m blown away. Holy shit.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, I did,” she says, laying her head against my chest.

  “How’d it go?” I ask, playing with her hair.

  “Really good,” she whispers.

  We sit together in the quiet room, and I have no idea what to say. I’m not stupid, I know one call didn’t fix her, but she does seem better and I’ve only been gone six and a half hours today. Placing a hand under her chin, I lift her face so I can look in her eyes.

  “Tell me,” I say, resting my forehead against hers.

  “Well, I woke up last night, had another nightmare. And you were sound asleep next to me, and I realized that for the first time since I came home, you were getting rest. I know I’ve been running both of us ragged, and I’m tired. I want to feel normal again. I was starting to get some really dark thoughts and I didn’t like that.”

  Nodding, I motion for her to continue, just holding her close to me.

  “So I called Jean. I’ve worked with her a couple of times, mostly around Ellen, the patient who died four months ago. Anyway, she agreed to a video chat and I don’t know… I just purged everything, Levi. All my fears, everything. We talked for three hours. I had my mom come and hang out with Lily while I did. I hope that’s okay.”

  “Of course it is, baby.”

  “Well anyway, I told her my biggest issue was that every time I closed my eyes, I was back in that room. No matter what. So she gave me some breathing and mental techniques to help me when I get scared, and it worked, Levi. I almost cried, I was so happy.”

  “That’s amazing, Em.”

  “Yeah, didn’t you notice? Check your phone. I didn’t text you once today.”

  Furrowing my eyebrows, I dig my phone from my pocket and confirm it. I was so lost in my own head today that I didn’t even realize it.

  “So, you’re okay now?” I ask, moving her so I can wrap my arms around her waist.

  With her hands on my shoulders, she shakes her head and I’m confused.

  “Not yet. I’m a work in progress. I will be though. I do have to tell you things eventually, and I worry that it’ll change things between us. But for now I think I’m
okay.”

  Kissing her, I frame her face with my hands.

  “I’m so damn proud of you,” I say, voice thick with emotion. And I am. She faced her fears head on and asked for help.

  “Thank you. But I did it for us, for Lily. I miss you so much, Levi.”

  “I’m right here, baby. I haven’t gone anywhere, and I never will.”

  “I love you, Levi. So much.”

  “I love you too, baby. Now, can you finish cooking? I’m starving.”

  Em bursts out laughing, the sound loud and filled with happiness.

  And it’s the best thing I’ve heard in weeks.

  CHAPTER 24

  Emerson

  EVERY DAY THAT PASSES, I feel better. Stronger. Physically, my body is almost back to normal. I still have pain in my chest every so often, and there are still a few tender spots, but other than that I’m okay.

  I talk to Jean every day, and she’s one of the biggest reasons I’m getting better. I knew eventually I’d need to get help. I was going on days of no sleep, and now that I’m actually getting a couple hours a night, I feel better.

  But the nightmares are still there, and the fear is still present. Today she told me that she wants to try something different, but it’s fucking with my head. She wants Levi to join us for one of the video sessions, and it’s one of my biggest fears. Levi knows so little about what happened to me, only the basics, and I’m not sure I want him to know everything.

  Since my first call with Jean two weeks ago, I’ve been doing everything in my power to be intimate with Levi. It’s probably stupid of me, but I need him. From the very beginning, we’ve had an intimacy that went far past the physical act of sex. We were always finding ways to be together, even if it wasn’t going all the way.

  I miss him. My body misses him. I initiate it every chance I get, but he pushes me away. The other night, I waited until he fell asleep and then I kept teasing his body, trying to get him in the mood while he was asleep, hoping he’d do what he used to—wake up and fuck me into the following week—but he didn’t. He actually rolled over and went back to sleep.

  I left the bed a few minutes later when he started snoring, and I crept into the guest bathroom, taking the hottest shower possible, trying to rid myself of the filth that’s keeping Levi from touching me. I mean, I get it. Why would he want me knowing men tried to use my body for their own needs? But I still need him.

  Lily is having a sleepover at Abby and Scott’s tonight and I’m alone downstairs, finishing a load of laundry. When it’s all done, I fold the clothes and leave the basket on the couch. Padding to the front door, I lock the deadbolt and turn the security system on. Looking through the peephole, I find nothing as usual, but I still have to do it. I can’t sleep at night unless I make sure we’re safe.

  Strolling through the dark house, I go in search of Levi. It’s so quiet without Lily here, but we need the alone time. It’s been a month and I’m hoping that tonight can be the night. I need to be intimate with him. Need to feel close to him. I miss us.

  I find Levi in our bedroom, sitting up in bed with his tablet on his lap. He has on the dark-framed glasses I love so much, and he’s in just a pair of gray sweats. He looks up when I enter the room and smiles at me.

  “Hey, baby.”

  “What are you doing?”

  I climb onto the bed, and he puts the tablet to the side so I can settle myself on his lap.

  “Checking emails. Nothing too exciting.”

  Sliding my arms loosely around his neck, I give him a soft kiss and run my hands through his hair. Levi’s hands gently rest on my waist and I try to deepen the kiss, holding him tighter.

  “I love those glasses on you,” I mumble, pulling them from his face.

  “Thanks, I think,” he chuckles. But before I can move things further, he kisses me on the nose and slides me off him, picking his tablet back up. Tears burn my eyes and I fight to push them back.

  “Sorry, I’m just really tired. I need to finish this and then we can head to bed, okay?”

  Nodding, I fold my legs under me and pretend to focus on whatever movie is playing on the television. A few minutes later, he turns the tablet off and gets off the bed. He stops at the dresser and pulls on a T-shirt, then moves to the bathroom. Before he reaches it, I finally have the courage to ask him what I’ve needed to since he first started rejecting me a couple weeks ago.

  “Don’t you want me anymore?”

  Levi stops dead in his tracks and his body goes rigid. He doesn’t turn to face me, so I continue on, the tears finally falling down my cheeks.

  “I knew you’d be repulsed by what they did. I shower twice a day and I’m still nasty—”

  “Do not finish that sentence. I swear to Christ, Em. Don’t.” Levi turns around, his features filled with pain.

  “I’ve told you I’m fine, Levi. I’m ready to be with you, and you reject me every time.”

  “You’re not fine. And you aren’t ready. I’m not rejecting you, Emmy. I’m protecting you.”

  “Protecting me? Like you did the last time?” The words fly from my mouth before I can stop them, and I instantly see the effect they have on him. Levi’s expression hardens and I don’t miss the tears that fill his eyes. He nods and turns to leave the room.

  “No, Levi, please don’t. I’m so sorry, that’s not what I meant.”

  “Heard you crystal clear, Emerson.”

  Emerson.

  He’s almost at the door when I scramble from the bed and run over to him, grabbing his arms. He fights against me, and the sobs break free from my chest.

  “Levi, please don’t leave me. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. Please. I love you. Don’t go.”

  “Em...”

  “Don’t go. Please. Oh my God, Levi, you can’t leave me.”

  He stops fighting me and my head drops to his back, and I wrap my arms around his waist from behind. I’m not sure if it’s the idea of him leaving or how much I just hurt him, but I finally let myself grieve for what we’ve gone through. Tears are unashamedly soaking into his shirt, and his rough hands grip mine tightly.

  “Levi, please don’t go,” I whisper brokenly into his back. “I swear I didn’t mean what I said. None if this was your fault. I hate myself for hurting you just now, but I want it all to be over. I want to go to bed and not see their faces. I don’t want their hands to be the last that touched me. I want the man I love to want me back. To not wish I wasn’t a filthy reminder of who he used to have. Please.”

  Levi is still as stone, and I fear that no number of apologies will fix this. He doesn’t force me away, just holds my hands while I weep into his back.

  “I’m sorry,” he rasps. His forehead drops to the wall in front of us, and his back shakes as he cries with me. I squeeze him tighter and he finally turns in my arms. His cheeks are wet with his own emotions, and he looks completely devastated. Bending down, he picks me up and carries me over to the bed. He sits on the edge and maneuvers me onto his lap, my legs wrapping around his waist.

  I drop my forehead to his and clasp the sides of his face.

  “Why are you sorry?” I whisper.

  “I need you to listen to me, okay?” I nod and wrap my arms around his neck. “I watched the security tapes. I saw you take Lily upstairs. I saw you running from those men, and I watched that piece of shit smash your face into a wall. I watched you bleed onto the floor, and I was helpless. He carried you from the house like a rag doll and I couldn’t do anything about it. It replays over and over and over.”

  My heart clenches with every word as tears continue to run down his face.

  “For three days, I had no idea if you were alive. If I’d get to see your beautiful smile again. If I’d wake up with you in my arms. If we’d get to raise Lily toge—” He breaks off on a sob and I pull him to me, his face buried in my neck.

  “Levi.”

  “I watched you wander the house like a zombie. I watched your nightmares, and I see the fear that still ling
ers in your eyes when the doorbell rings. I know you think you’re ready for things, but what if I touch you and it takes you back? I can’t be the reason you have those nightmares. I can’t be the one to hurt you again. I love you so much, baby. I’m so sorry for how I’ve made you feel. I’m such an asshole for that. Fuck, I hate that you feel so dirty. You aren’t anything less than the beautiful, sexy, amazing woman I fell in love with.”

  Levi’s words have me crying harder, and he grabs my face to force my gaze to his. His tears haven’t slowed, but despite them, he smiles at me.

  “You’re still my Emmy. Are there more scars than when I met you? Sure. But that doesn’t change my feelings for you. I just want you to get better, baby. I know how much this destroyed you, because it hurts me too. Every time you cry out for me in your sleep, it breaks me, knowing I couldn’t save you. That I wasn’t there for you.”

  “Levi, stop.”

  “Em—” he begins, but I gently place my index finger over his lips.

  “Stop. I need to talk now, okay?”

  He nods.

  Climbing off his lap, I brush the tears from my cheeks and take a deep breath, then sit back against the headboard and pull the blankets over my lap. Levi moves to sit in front of me, folding his long legs under him. He reaches out to take one of my hands and nods again, his signal to continue talking.

  “I’m sorry you had to see that tape, Levi. I hate that you hurt so bad, not knowing what happened to me. Where I was. But while you were looking for me, I was fighting. Not just for me but for us, for Lily. I wasn’t going to die without a fight. Every time they touched me, or tried to hurt me, I went to this place inside my head where it was just me and you. You were the only thing I could think about. Your touch, your scent, your smile. You are the only reason I survived, Levi.”

  Dropping my head into my free hand, I cry loudly for a moment, but Levi doesn’t move. His thumb softly rubs the back of my hand but I don’t look at him, knowing I need to finish. That I need to tell him my fears.